Near and Dear

Last Tuesday I had the opportunity to introduce Liz and Eric to someone very near and dear to me over dinner at their house. Like many things in my life this past year, had you told me in January that come June the four of us would be sitting around the patio table conversing and eating pizza I would not have believed you. But there we were hanging out. It was really a great time and I am glad it took place.

While he wasn't able to not be there for the entire past year of my life, Austin was there for me during one of the most difficult parts, the finding out. I wish I could say that, like so many people I know, I was praying for a "positive" or "pregnant" reading, but I wasn't. That may have been the three longest minutes of my life and I spent it praying like I've never prayed before that it would have a big fat "NOT pregnant" reading. When I finally got the courage to look at it, it said "pregnant" but there definitely wasn't a NOT in front of it. At this point I did the only thing I could do, I sat on the bathroom floor and cried, well it was really more like balling than crying. Austin, the sweet guy that he is, just let me cry and hugged me and told me it was going to be ok. He was right...it would be ok, but it would be one long and bumpy ride. The rest of that night and many days and nights after that were spent in limbo between reality and "normal life". "Normal life" refers to my life before the day I took the test. Reality refers to, well, you know what reality is. The hardest times seemed to be while trying to fall asleep and then when waking up in the morning. Falling asleep was impossible because my mind was panicking at a million miles an hour. And waking up was miserable because there was that split second or two where I was in my "normal life" again. Reality never let me live in my "normal life" very long though. Those first few weeks were really a blur. In addition to all my anxieties and worries over what to do, I was feeling the wonderful morning sickness symptoms and extreme exhaustion. In these first few weeks I found comfort in Austin and my two best friends Marie and Jacquie and the possibility of a miscarriage. Yes, I wanted a miscarriage. I would be lying if I said I didn't....