Challenged Beliefs

We like to think that nothing can shake us from our opinions and beliefs. We believe that if put in the situation we would never go against what we believe. Maybe if we are firm in our beliefs we won't stray, but still, I now believe never say never. 

What do our beliefs mean if we are not challenged to prove our faithfulness to them? Absolutely nothing. I do not believe that abortion is ok. I believe that life begins at conception and when we have sex we are really saying that we are ready to have children because that is the result of sex. It’s our only link to procreation and the maintaining of humanity. There is something about that feeling of absolute desperation though that makes you willing to throw every belief out of the window, willing to do ANYTHING to make the issue just disappear. I know that feeling of desperation all too well. I did not have an abortion, but that doesn’t grant me the “saint” award. In my heart I had an abortion. I wanted to do it, I contemplated it. I felt that desperation. All I wanted was to wake up from the horrible nightmare. And even when I immediately decided I couldn’t go with through it I prayed every night and day until week 13 or 14 for a miscarriage. “Dear God, I can’t bring myself to open the phone book to find the number to call the abortion clinic, so will you please do it for me through a miscarriage?" "Dear God, I will do whatever you want if you will please just answer this one prayer request for me." "Dear God, PLEASE, I don't want to have to tell people that I got pregnant."

 First valuable lesson of this experience: we all make decisions and until we are in the shoes of the decision-maker we have NO right to pass judgment. We NEVER know what we will do until we are placed in that situation. Over by the Boise mall abortion protests are held on what feels like a weekly basis. Parents drag their young children out to these events, put a sign in their hand that they can't even read much less understand and put them on the street corner. Is that supposed to invoke empathy and a change of opinion in those passing by? So many times I just wanted to park the car get out and yell to everyone of those people, men and women alike, “Have you EVER been pregnant? Did you EVER have an unplanned pregnancy? Until you have experienced that feeling of desperation and fear you have no idea what you would really do in that situation. So put your damn sign down, go home, and stop passing judgement.  

Let me just say that despite my prayers for a miscarriage, I loved that little baby growing inside of me. I bought the books, I did the research, I ate well, I exercised almost everyday, I found an OBGYN the day the pregnancy was confirmed, I did everything in my power to assure that the life growing inside of me was well taken care of because I cared so very deeply for it. I know that seems like a contradiction on my part, but when I share my prayers for a miscarriage I am speaking the truth and I speak honestly because I know that there are others out there who need to hear truth and maybe even take comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

That leads me to what ultimately would give me incredible strength, perseverance, and joy: One day a light switched and I finally understood what God was trying to tell me. He told me, "Lindsay I cannot answer your prayers because I am using you to answer the prayers of somebody else". Everything for a reason... I would not meet Liz and Eric until much later after this realization, but I knew, I just knew that God was working to bring us together. From then on out, my prayers changed and my attitude began to change. I prayed for the family, whoever they would be, and I started telling the baby all the time that it was going to have the most amazing parents ever. I had so much joy at just the thought of two people having what they had always wanted. Now I know those two people and I see more joy in them than I have ever seen in two people and it fills my heart with joy. And everyday I praise God, thanking him for a perfect, healthy little Grace. I thank him that I did not have a miscarriage. He knows me better than I know myself and I can honestly say I am a much happier person than I would be if I would have had a miscarriage.