Monday, July 11, 2011

The Heart of the Matter

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks. The tech wrote "baby" on the picture with an arrow pointing to the baby. It was a speck you needed a magnifying glass to see and all I could make out was a bubble that she informed me was the yolk sac, but there was a heartbeat going at a strong rate of about 130 bpm and I could clearly see that rate moving across the screen. And if it was not amazing enough that a heartbeat was coming from this invisible speck inside of me, it wasn't the first day her heart had started beating. Her little heart had been pumping away for three whole weeks at this point. I didn't yet have the courage to put the picture on the fridge, but I put the verse that would serve as a constant reminder of God's purpose and will and the encouragement I would need on a constant basis: Psalm 139:13-16; "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be". I read this at least 2-3 times a day. In a life that wasn't making any sense, this was the one thing I could lean on, the one thing that made absolute perfect sense. Everything for a reason. 


At my week 10 appointment I heard her heart beat on the doppler for the very first time. I don't know how to put into words how amazing it is to hear this little heart going a million miles an hour.


At week 18 I had my second, and the "big" ultrasound. Grace was being extremely modest, so we went to the bathroom and had a pep talk and when I came out she gave us just enough immodesty to let us know she was in fact a girl. YAY! This was the first time I was able to see her heart beating and hear it at the same time (and the tech recorded it and put it on my CD so I could listen to it whenever I wanted). At this point I hadn't yet felt her move, but I was able to see her and oh my she was all over the board! She posed for a perfect profile pic, sucking her thumb of course, and this picture was immediately placed on the fridge right above our "theme" verse and  it remains there to this day. I will take it down when I move and put it right back up on my new fridge one day.


At week 22 I had another ultrasound. Because I had had my "big" appointment two weeks before the normal time, they wanted to look at her heart one more time since it technically isn't more fully developed until after week 20. The tech told me that she had one strong and determined heart. I smiled and said, "she most certainly does!" It was at that same appointment that I felt her move at the same time I saw her little arm swing around in a right hook. 


At about 28 weeks, right after I met Liz and Eric, I invited them to join me for an appointment. Well, really it was a condition of them adopting Grace: Liz must be at every appointment. After all, as we liked to joke, she was in her third trimester and appointments were an important part of the process. (It was not an actual condition of their adoption, but I did state in my interviews with the couples that I would like them to be involved in the rest of the pregnancy). And they were completely ecstatic that I would allow them to be so it worked out very well :)


Grace's heart kept my heart going. From week three when I went to the bookstore and read that her heart was starting to beat at that point in time to week 39 when I was in labor and listening to her heart change pace with each contraction to watching her chest rise and fall after she was finally here. Her heart has always been strong and determined and it kept me strong and determined. I often wonder why God designed us with hearts that beat as early as three weeks. I don't have the answer, but I do know that, for me, it was an indication of purpose, strength, and His will above my own. 

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