July 31, 2010

Two years ago today, July 31, I was curled in a ball on the bathroom floor crying for what felt like hours on end believing that my life as I knew would cease to exist from that point on. Today I wake up disheartened by an unrelated event, but I can't help but have joy as I walk into my living room and see a picture of 16 month old Grace and her parents. Three people that, unbeknownst to me, would be the reason I get up off that bathroom floor, wipe my tears, and accept each following day as it came to me. That being said let me back up to what lead to that moment on the bathroom floor. I have shared many of my thought processes throughout my blogging journey, but I have not shared many of the actual details of what I was thinking in the moment.

July 31, 2010: The whole day felt off from the moment I woke up. It was the day after my 26th birthday. I went out for brunch. On the way to the store after brunch I felt nauseated, and it was unlike any other nausea I had ever felt. I knew I was late and I knew what the nausea meant. But there was no way I could be....I couldn't think the word much less say it. So I played it off. I continued to do this all day until the evening when I was still "late". I did what any other girl would do. I Googled. Yes, I really did Google "signs and symptoms of pregnancy"What did I get? Nothing of reassurance that I wasn't pregnant, that's for sure. In fact every single symptom on there seemed to fit the last 2 weeks of my life perfectly. The floodgates opened and I became very panicked and desperate for a pregnancy test to prove Google wrong. Forget the pink lines, I wanted words. Am I PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT?! The three minutes of waiting were a blur. I don't remember what was on the television. I almost decided to just not go back into the bathroom to look. If I didn't look, then it wasn't real. And if it wasn't real then I didn't have to deal with it. Unfortunately pregnancy is a very difficult reality to conceal. I made the walk back to the bathroom to discover what deep down I already knew: there was no NOT before the PREGNANT. So there it was; a life altering moment happening as quickly as it takes to read one word. It is in this moment that I slowly sink down to the bathroom floor and weep and weep and weep. I manage to peel myself off the floor and up to bed where sleep evades me for many hours, eventually winning me over. Now there is something amazing about sleep, aside from the rest it provides, it gave me a break from my new reality. Until I woke up of course. It took a second for the events of the night before to resettle within me. See there's this split second when you open your eyes and you're in limbo between your dream and your reality and reality hasn't set in yet. Ever had one of those moments? I would have many more of them to come and in each of mine during that split-second spent in limbo I was not pregnant and everything was as it had been before. They would come to fade over time as I accepted my pregnancy and my new reality.

August 1 was a blur. I spent the day in between crying and calm, thinking it everything was going to be ok to how will I ever survive this. I was afraid to be alone, afraid of silence, afraid of my own thoughts, I was just terrified of the road that lay ahead.

I remember those days very clearly, even now two years later. As I reflect back on them I share in the pain and loneliness I felt during that time. I also note that while I couldn't see it at the time, I had hope. Deep down I knew that everything was going to be ok. I didn't know the end result, I knew my life would never be the same and that was terrifying, but somewhere inside of me I knew everything would be ok. I distinctly remember sitting on the stairs at Austin's telling myself that the whole world may turn against me, but God will not and that is the only thing that matters. And I meant that with all my heart.

This day will always be significant to me and this year, as I am now 28 and 2 years have come and gone, this reflection is significant to me as I am in my career and pursuing the next chapter of my life. Am I making the decisions I want to be making? What am I doing to "maximize my utility"? I have found that those who experience the greatest utility in life are those that know who they are and what they stand for and are unwilling to change for anything or anybody. I admit to falling short of this and losing a lot because of this. This reflection has thus served me well in reminding me and redirecting me as I continue on my journey. I hope it is able to help someone else out there too!

PS: If you desire to know more about utility and how to maximize it, check out the book Naked Economics. While any title with the word 'economics' in it sounds utterly disgusting, it is truly a fascinating book.