Butterfly Effect

Decisions. We make them everyday, multiple times throughout the day. Some are consciously made, others we make without a thought. Decisions are an unavoidable part of life. The decisions we make have a powerful effect in shaping our lives and paving our paths. Our decisions have the power to affect those around us, near and far.

 I made a big decision when I decided to give Grace up for adoption. I made that decision on my own. I did not ask others what they thought I should do. I knew what I wanted to do. And when I have my mind set on something I am going to make it happen. So that’s what I did. Without a thought or care about what someone else wanted me to do or thought I should do.

What I failed to realize in my selfish decision-making process was that my decision would affect many people around me. I believe a lot of those effects are positive, but there are also some painful effects. I failed to see that I would not be the only one to experience the feeling of loss and grief over the loss of Grace. I underestimated how much those around me cared about me and how much they would share in my pain and my experience. At the time all of my thoughts revolved around myself and what I needed and wanted.

All of you that follow my blog know that I am completely at peace with my decision and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Everything turned out the way that it was supposed to. I know that this was God’s plan for Grace’s life.

That being said I am writing this and speaking about decisions because my eyes have really been opened to the impact the decisions we make will have on others. None of the decisions we make in this life solely revolve around us. There is always some effect that we have. Economics agrees with this thought. As Charles Wheelan states in his book, Naked Economics, “My decision to buy and drive an SUV affects everyone else on the road, yet none of those people has a say in my decision. I do not compensate all the owners of Honda Civics for the fact that I am putting their lives slightly more at risk…” He goes on in more detail but the point is that “the private costs of my behavior are different from the social costs”.

As creepy as the movie “Butterfly Effect” may be, it makes a valid point: each and every little decision has an impact beyond our understanding and control. The more we try to control it, the more we lose control. That may not completely relate to my story with Grace, but it relates with life in so many ways and the decisions we make in this life.

I’m not even sure how to end this. All I can say is that I am aware of the powerful effect my decisions have and will take this life lesson with me through the rest of my life.

Reflections

This past week I had the opportunity to speak on an adoption panel again. I shared my story before prospective parents for the second time and cried for the first time in a long time. There happened to be two other birth moms sitting on either side of me. One had her baby three months ago, the other nine months ago. Grace is now 7 months, I know, so hard to believe! As the other two women shared their story I was flooded with emotions in relating to everything they were saying. One of the birth moms talked about how she often felt lonely carrying a baby without a husband to share it with. The other birth mom talked about how she knew all along that the baby she was carrying belonged to someone else.  For the first time in my experience I could totally and completely relate with someone, or maybe it was that someone else knew exactly how I felt because they had experienced it too. Either way it was refreshing for me. 

The other night I was driving home from William's house (my boyfriend) and I drove past the building where I used to take prenatal water aerobics twice a week. That class was the highlight of my week, but I always felt a great sense of loneliness when I left class, knowing that I wasn't going home to somebody. I would not be sharing my day with a significant other. So here I am, one year later, driving home from this amazing man's house where I just shared everything about my day and more I can't help but think back to that lonely season and be grateful for this new season. At the same time, as I type my thoughts, I am sitting on my couch in the same spot that I sat in every night while pregnant with Grace and I am flooded with those beautiful memories. She would kick me like crazy as I would try to focus on my homework, or let's be serious, I was really just focused on catching up on all my tv shows. I would talk to her, watch her move, and pray for the parents I hadn't yet met. "To everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn". Like both of the other birth moms that shared their story, the last year of my life was a time of great loneliness and of great joy and peace. I wouldn't go back and change anything. I hope I will always remember to reflect on my experience and never be afraid to share it.

It really is a small world

There are currently 6,965,410,205 people on this earth, 312,330,689 in the United States alone. A couple weeks ago in Modesto, CA (population 200,00) two long time friends were at an event having a conversation that they never in a million years would’ve ever guessed they would be having. Those two people are my grandpa and Liz’s uncle. The conversation they were having was regarding the deeper connection we all now share through a little baby named Grace.

See when I picked Liz and Eric I didn’t know anything about where they were from or if they even lived in Boise. As I got to know them Liz and I discovered that our families are both from Modesto. Her mother’s side is from there and many still live there to this day. Here I am, 640 miles from my hometown, and the family I happen to pick has ties to my hometown. Incredible.  And even more incredible is the fact that we had a greater connection than just being from the same exact town, my grandpa and her uncle have been friends for many years.

It’s amazing to look back and realize God was doing so many things that were beyond my wildest imaginations. He was doing so many things that I did not think could possibly come from my experience. It makes me smile and it brings tears to my eyes. Everything for a reason.

Adoption Day!

September 6, 2011 was a beautiful day. This was the day that Liz and Eric stood before a judge promising to be Grace's parents forever and signed the documents that made her legally theirs. I was blessed to be in the courtroom with them and their family witnessing this take place. It is a rather short proceeding, less than 20 minutes, which almost seems crazy to me considering all the time, energy, and emotion that goes into reaching that court proceeding. And thankfully it was quick because the anticipation in there was killing me. I can only imagine how anxious Liz and Eric were!

Afterwards we all went back to the house to celebrate the beautiful day with good food, good company, and good cake :) I looked around the group that was present for the celebration and couldn't help but be so incredibly thankful for the way things have turned out.

The picture I posted holds significant meaning to me. On Grace's adoption day I was given this necklace by Liz and Eric. Eric had designed them himself and had three of them made. One for Liz, one for me, and one for Grace (when she is old enough to wear it). The intent was that we would always be reminded of one another. It is meant to signify the bond we forever have and remember the God that ordained all of this to be. I wear it everyday, and I will continue to wear it everyday for the years to come. What a beautiful, incredibly thoughtful way to be reminded of the fact that we are bonded for life by a God who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us (Ephesians 3:20).

The Dynamic of Adoption

This past Tuesday I had the amazing opportunity to sit on a panel of other birth moms, birth dads, adoptive parents and adopted kids and share my story before a group of prospective adoptive parents. As I looked out and around I saw eager faces, couples excited and scared for the journey ahead of them. I had no idea what I was going to say. I had no idea what these people even wanted to hear from me. I have told my story so many times that I figured it would just come naturally to me, but as I was sitting up there I got nervous and felt completely blank. Thankfully, another birth mom whose daughter was now 7 years old, shared her story before I did. As I listened to her I related to a person more than I think I have ever related to anybody. Quite frankly she was bringing tears to my eyes. After hearing her speak, I knew exactly what I was going to say and I expected to blubber my way through my whole spiel. Two other people shared, an adoptive mom and her adopted daughter, and then it was my turn. The first line of my quickly rehearsed speech came out and then I just blanked. I forgot everything I wanted to say, every emotion I had been feeling. For a split second I freaked, then I just went ahead and said what was on my heart and what I felt would be beneficial to the 10 couples who were staring at me. For my first time on the panel, I think it went pretty well. I truly enjoyed listening to every single person share their journey. It was a blessing to hear a variety of experiences and absorb the beauty of this dynamic God has created through adoption. It's definitely not the easiest dynamic. Every person in that room has experienced their fair share of brokenness, grief, and pain. Yet they also have experienced their fair share of joy, happiness, and thankfulness. I plan on sharing on another panel if I am provided the opportunity.

This experience, as rewarding as it was, reminded me of the difficult dynamic of my situation. The other birth mom that shared her story shared that she had originally been pretty close to the adoptive family and saw her daughter often, but slowly over the years that relationship faded and she now sees them just once a year. My heart slightly sank at the thought of that. Ok fine, I'll be honest, my heart COMPLETELY sank at the though of that. I love Grace, but I also dearly love Liz and Eric. They became my family. There are some changes already occurring, as they naturally should, but will the day come that I only see them once a year? I know I will cross that bridge when I get there, but that hard dynamic of adoption sometimes weighs on my heart. What if one day they don't want me around as often? What if that day starts now? So many things I know that I should not worry about. God has brought me this far and blessed me tremendously and I know He will continue to do so, but that nagging feeling still can get the best of me at times.

Here's another dynamic that I rarely considered while pregnant and in my own little private survival mode. This adoption does not just affect me. It affects those around me, namely my family and my best friends. My parents have a granddaughter, my sister a niece, Stella a sister ;) and my best friends a baby (niece) that they got to know so well as she grew in the womb. Each and every one of those people had to let go of Grace too.

In no way I am hinting at any feelings of regret. I know with every fiber of my being that I made the right decision. I know that I am supported by every single person I know and love and even by strangers that have heard my story. I am merely just reflecting on some truths and trying to be as real as I possibly can be.

Adoption is an absolutely wonderful and beautiful thing. Every day I am thankful for the role I have in this dynamic. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Sometimes the most beautiful things in life are the things that aren't the easiest. I know that to be true and it pushes me through the difficult realities of this dynamic of adoption.

Bringing Sunshine

Today I put on a pair of capris that I had not been able to wear since the earliest stages of pregnancy. I know, WAHOO! I immediately felt that this day was going to be a great day. I reached into the pockets to straighten them out and find the tiniest piece of paper. I was going to just toss it thinking there’s no way it could contain something relevant, but something stopped me. So I opened it up and saw it was a fortune from one of those little fortune cookies. It read, “You will bring sunshine to someone’s life”.  Of course I stared at it and got very teary-eyed.  Now, something to know about me is that I would not consider myself to be superstitious. I don’t pay much attention to the fortunes on the cookies or horoscopes. But, at some point last summer I had eaten Chinese food and saved this little fortune. I don’t remember if I was already pregnant, or even knew I was pregnant when I obtained this fortune, but regardless, it was going to come true. Grace would come into this world and bring sunshine to countless people, namely her parents, who waited so long and patiently for her. And to randomly find that little fortune a year later was a beautiful reminder of this beautiful, purposed life experience. 

Letting Go

The other day I woke up at 5am, wide awake, and no amount of tossing and turning could put me back to sleep. So I decided to make some more progress on the journal I have been working on for Grace that was supposed to be done this summer. Back in October, while still adjusting to being pregnant and having no idea how everything would turn out, I spent a good hour or so flipping through every pregnancy journal on the shelves of both Borders and Barnes and Nobles' bookstores. I was desperate to start recording anything and everything I experienced with her during this time. Just in case I never saw her again after she was born I wanted her to know that I loved her deeply, that I cared, and if she turned out to be as sentimental as I am, I wanted her to be able to know her story from my side. This journal I found was the only one that was more focused on the pregnancy experience itself rather than all the baby showers, daddy do-good deeds, nursery themes, etc. that a lot of pregnancy journals like to include. Things I would painfully not be experiencing this pregnancy. The journal I found perfectly focused on me and Grace and the short time we had together. 


So here I am now 4 months after her birth revisiting the journal and filling in some of the missing spots. As I near the end of the journal it asks questions about all the "firsts" the occur once baby is home. It's only a couple pages of questions, but as I skim through them I realize the one thing that will always cause a little pang of hurt inside of me: I don't know. I don't know what her first night at home was like, I don't know what her favorite pacifier is, I don't know her feeding time, her nap time, or her disposition. I don't know anything about the things that it feels like, as a mother, I should know. 


For nine months I was the one that knew everything about her. I knew her active times, I knew her favorite foods, I knew how to make her move, I knew her sleepy times, I knew her hiccups from her kicks, I knew everything there was to know about her for those nine months. And I cherished every moment of it. I knew I wouldn't get it back, I knew one day someone else would know more about her than I do. And I knew that that was the way it was supposed to be. 


I think the biggest, and hardest thing we have to endure as a parent is the act of letting go. At many stages in our children's lives we learn to let go in certain ways whether it is when we can no longer hold them, their first day of school, the day they move out for college, or the day they get married. For me, that day came when she was born. I endured the act of letting go the day she was born. And I get asked all the time if that was hard for me. Of course that was hard for me, I carried her for nine months and gave birth to her. But from the day I found out I was pregnant I knew God was telling me that she belonged to Him and the He had a plan for her. And He was right, her life was in His hands now in pregnancy and it would be for the rest of her life. And I leaned on that and trusted in God to give me the strength I needed to let go. And He did. 


Much to my surprise, Grace is 4 months old and I know all about her. Of course it is not firsthand knowledge, but that is completely ok. I get to see her and watch her grow. I get to hear from Liz all of her accomplishments and milestones. I don't sit at home and wonder and feel guilty for not knowing. I am thankful everyday for the opportunity I have to know her and her parents. There will always be a pang of hurt about the things I do not know firsthand about Grace or experience myself, but just knowing how happy she is, how ecstatic Liz and Eric are and how I get to play a small part in that gives me great joy and peace.