Profiling

After suffering from major writer's block and a lack of desire to sit and stare at my computer with so much as a word to type, I thought it was time that I just sit down and stare at my computer until I can produce something. 

I first met with the adoption agency early in August. I sat down with a social worker, a woman who I am so happy to have met and gotten to know. She has been amazing throughout this whole experience and has always been there for me. After this initial meeting I would not contact the agency again or begin my search until December. Not only was school incredibly busy, but I needed time to process and time to get used to this whole new life I was living. It was completely nerve-wracking. I couldn't look at any of the paperwork for the longest time. And looking back I realize, that was totally ok. If you are in this position, give yourself time to process and think. Allow yourself to adjust and figure out exactly what you want. Allow yourself to deal. It was crucial for me and by the time I began my search I was completely ready. 

So come Christmas break, while most people are visiting family and holiday shopping, I was beginning my "parent search". To begin, my social worker asked me what I was looking for in a family and from there she would choose profiles that fit according to what I was looking for. I told her I only cared that they knew Jesus. She brought me four profiles to start with (I looked at a total of eight). The first one in the pile was Liz and Eric's. I immediately felt a connection, so I decided to read it last :) After reading all eight profiles I decided that there were two couples that I wanted to interview. There is something instinctive about this process. The two couples I chose were from the first four profiles I received and they were the two profiles I immediately had a gut feeling about before even opening them. After reading them, I knew one of the couple's would be getting a daughter, at that point I just couldn't decide which one without an interview. I told that I am a rare case because many birth moms do not choose to interview parents before choosing them. I do not know how true that is nationwide, but at my agency it was a rare occasion for a birth mom to interview. I had no idea! How difficult that would be for the adopting family and even the birth mom too! I do not worry about Grace, I know where she is and I know she is with the best people she could be with. I feel like interviewing and getting to know Liz and Eric so well has given me complete and total closure as well as the feeling that I absolutely did the right thing.

Each of the couples had two hours to spend with me. I had a list of questions that I wanted to ask each couple and aside from the questions I really just wanted to meet them and see how the interacted with each other and get an idea of what their lives were like. The first couple were great. I think they are amazing, God-loving people and will have another child one day, but I didn't quite feel a connection with them. The second couple were Liz and Eric. Immediately I loved them and we connected so well and chatted so much that we went over the allotted 2-hours. I left that interview and called Marie and Jacquie to say that I had officially met my daughter's parents. That was a Thursday, I gave Liz and Eric the great news the next Tuesday. 

The entire agency is absolutely amazed with how my situation played out. In their 15 years of existence they have never seen a case as unique as mine, Liz, Eric, and Grace's. I am actually quite amazed by how my situation played out too. My original plan was to have a closed adoption and give her the opportunity to find me if she wanted to one day. I did not forsee this incredibly open relationship unfolding in my own life. But as I say many times, I wouldn't have it any other way :)  

In closing, I have to say that anybody who is in the process of adopting or has adopted: I ADMIRE YOU. After going through this process on the opposite end, I have learned so much about how it all works and how much strength and devotion it takes for people to go through the whole process. All of you are truly wonderful people. You have really put yourselves out there and given up a lot to have a family of your own. Your willingness to take in a child that is not your own and love it as if it were your own is absolutely beautiful to me. And you do it all with no guarantees. We live in an imperfect world and it's so amazing to see how God takes two seemlingly sad situations: infertility and an unplanned pregnancy and makes a perfect situation from them. Thank you for all the love and devotion you have!!

This One's Stickin'

Let me preface this by saying that there are a number of people that played a crucial role in my life over this past year. Every single one of you know who you are and I could not have survived this without each and every one of you. Each and every person blessed me at every step of this journey and I will share those times throughout my story so please know that I am not discrediting anybody's role when I share this one particular post.

There are two people that really took this pregnancy on right along with me, literally (in many ways). Marie and Jacquie were there from day one and never left my side. There are not enough words I could say or examples I could give that could quantify their meaning in my life. The three of us are in nursing school together, Jacquie lives two doors down and Marie lives one block away. During the school year we have the same exact schedules, which means that we are likely to see each other every day and most days, all day. They saw me through everything, sometimes more than they even wanted to. We individually had our hard times over this past year as well as the hardest semester of our lives, Fall 2010. It wasn't always easy for us, emotionally we were all tugged in so many directions, but we made it. And I could not have made it without them. They did the heavy lifting that I wasn't allowed to do, they were at the appointment when we found out Grace was a girl, they read the profiles and couldn't even finish Liz and Eric's because they were crying too hard, they met Liz and Eric before I gave birth, they took on my pregnancy symptoms, no joke. Both lost their periods for 3-4 months and Jacquie was pretty much pregnant in every way minus having an actual baby inside of her. They were there when my water broke, they drove me to the hospital (thank goodness I live close because I might have died if it was any longer - NEVER been in so much pain in life), they were there in the room with me and never left my side, they encouraged me through it all, we all bonded with Liz and Eric in the hospital and became and family in that moment, they are Grace's aunts, and I don't know what I would've done without them. I couldn't have asked for two more loyal and loving friends.

Austin knew first, and these girls knew next. After that it would be a few weeks before I could find the courage to tell another soul. Marie and I went out to Bittercreek the night I told her. Now there's something you have to know about Marie: she has some sort of sixth sense, she really does. She can sense things and she's pretty much right about them all the time. So we're at dinner and she wants a beer, I decline. So she gets her beer and seriously asks me to just try it about five times. I decline. Finally, she holds it up to me and says, "no really, Linds you HAVE to try this" Man alive! I tell her, "Marie, I can't I have really bad news, I'm pregnant" Her reply was, "that's not bad news, congrats!!" Later on we were chatting and she just found out that her friend had had a miscarriage and she said she had a feeling that might happen. I asked her if she thought that might happen to me. She looked at me and said, "nah, this one's stickin" At the time that response irritated me, mostly because I wanted her to be wrong. A couple days later Jacq and I had lunch plans. She was asking me where we should go. She knows two of my favorites are sushi and wine. So when I declined sushi and then didn't order our favorite noon-time glass of wine at Bardenay she is stumped and actually a little irritated at me. So I tell her what happened and I tell her my plan. We talk about it for awhile and she told me exactly what Marie told: that she would be by my side through it all and support any decision that I made. And they both were.

Two amazing people that I could never repay for their presence and involvement in my life. Two people that I hope Grace always has the opportunity to know. Until she arrived I did not comprehend just how much they loved her as if she were their own. But they truly do, they were with her from the beginning. They will always be her aunts and I pray she always knows the amount of love that they have for her.

12 Years Strong!

Sunday was Liz and Eric’s 12^th wedding anniversary. 12 years and going stronger than ever! I’m sure many couples look forward to receiving the pink diamond they’ve been eyeing or the vacay they’ve been planning since year one. Liz and Eric got a baby for the 12^th wedding anniversary and I can’t think of anything more perfect for the two of them. I think this is a good time to share a little background about Liz and Eric. They were friends for quite a long time before they even started dating. Liz attended Notre Dame and Eric attended U of I (University of Idaho). Both were accounting majors. They started dating after college and married a few years after that. Liz is one of the most personable women you will ever meet. You will never feel awkward around her because she will always be able to strike up a conversation. She is an avid golfer, amazing actually. She got a college scholarship for it. Liz and I share a love of shopping and manicures and we can talk about anything and everything. One day she looked at my purse and said, “Is that a Tory Burch?” I said, “You speak Tory?! Oh this was so meant to be!” Eric is one the nicest, most caring men you will ever meet. An accountant by day and an avid hunter and fisherman by weekend. (perfect for my family) He knows I love fruit and that I am picky about my grapes and whenever I go over there he always has fresh fruit and grapes for me and Stella (because Stella loves grapes too) The two of them are honestly two of the most genuine people that I have ever met. I am so blessed by them. Liz and I discovered that we have yet another thing in common: Modesto, CA. I was born and raised there and her entire family is from there. She never lived there, but her mom is from Modesto and Liz spent a lot of her life out on Beckwith. NO WAY! Grace will one day get to see my hometown, the place where I grew up and spent so many years of my life. In fact I am sure she will go there more than once. I love that she will experience Modesto at some point in her life! Yet another amazing aspect of how God had ordained this to be. I mean, I have never met someone in Boise that’s from Modesto and the parents that I picked for my daughter are from there!! <3

Early in their marriage Eric and Liz decided to wait 5 years before they tried to have kids and they agreed that they weren’t going to go to any extreme measures to have their own children. If by 10 years they still did not have a baby, they agreed to begin the adoption process. They started the process just shy of their 10-year anniversary. Two years later their prayers were answered! There is so much more I could say about them. I’m sure a lot of it will come through my posts, but I wanted to preface them a bit so you can begin to grasp how important they are to me and why I chose them to be Grace’s parents.

Challenged Beliefs

We like to think that nothing can shake us from our opinions and beliefs. We believe that if put in the situation we would never go against what we believe. Maybe if we are firm in our beliefs we won't stray, but still, I now believe never say never. 

What do our beliefs mean if we are not challenged to prove our faithfulness to them? Absolutely nothing. I do not believe that abortion is ok. I believe that life begins at conception and when we have sex we are really saying that we are ready to have children because that is the result of sex. It’s our only link to procreation and the maintaining of humanity. There is something about that feeling of absolute desperation though that makes you willing to throw every belief out of the window, willing to do ANYTHING to make the issue just disappear. I know that feeling of desperation all too well. I did not have an abortion, but that doesn’t grant me the “saint” award. In my heart I had an abortion. I wanted to do it, I contemplated it. I felt that desperation. All I wanted was to wake up from the horrible nightmare. And even when I immediately decided I couldn’t go with through it I prayed every night and day until week 13 or 14 for a miscarriage. “Dear God, I can’t bring myself to open the phone book to find the number to call the abortion clinic, so will you please do it for me through a miscarriage?" "Dear God, I will do whatever you want if you will please just answer this one prayer request for me." "Dear God, PLEASE, I don't want to have to tell people that I got pregnant."

 First valuable lesson of this experience: we all make decisions and until we are in the shoes of the decision-maker we have NO right to pass judgment. We NEVER know what we will do until we are placed in that situation. Over by the Boise mall abortion protests are held on what feels like a weekly basis. Parents drag their young children out to these events, put a sign in their hand that they can't even read much less understand and put them on the street corner. Is that supposed to invoke empathy and a change of opinion in those passing by? So many times I just wanted to park the car get out and yell to everyone of those people, men and women alike, “Have you EVER been pregnant? Did you EVER have an unplanned pregnancy? Until you have experienced that feeling of desperation and fear you have no idea what you would really do in that situation. So put your damn sign down, go home, and stop passing judgement.  

Let me just say that despite my prayers for a miscarriage, I loved that little baby growing inside of me. I bought the books, I did the research, I ate well, I exercised almost everyday, I found an OBGYN the day the pregnancy was confirmed, I did everything in my power to assure that the life growing inside of me was well taken care of because I cared so very deeply for it. I know that seems like a contradiction on my part, but when I share my prayers for a miscarriage I am speaking the truth and I speak honestly because I know that there are others out there who need to hear truth and maybe even take comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

That leads me to what ultimately would give me incredible strength, perseverance, and joy: One day a light switched and I finally understood what God was trying to tell me. He told me, "Lindsay I cannot answer your prayers because I am using you to answer the prayers of somebody else". Everything for a reason... I would not meet Liz and Eric until much later after this realization, but I knew, I just knew that God was working to bring us together. From then on out, my prayers changed and my attitude began to change. I prayed for the family, whoever they would be, and I started telling the baby all the time that it was going to have the most amazing parents ever. I had so much joy at just the thought of two people having what they had always wanted. Now I know those two people and I see more joy in them than I have ever seen in two people and it fills my heart with joy. And everyday I praise God, thanking him for a perfect, healthy little Grace. I thank him that I did not have a miscarriage. He knows me better than I know myself and I can honestly say I am a much happier person than I would be if I would have had a miscarriage.

Near and Dear

Last Tuesday I had the opportunity to introduce Liz and Eric to someone very near and dear to me over dinner at their house. Like many things in my life this past year, had you told me in January that come June the four of us would be sitting around the patio table conversing and eating pizza I would not have believed you. But there we were hanging out. It was really a great time and I am glad it took place.

While he wasn't able to not be there for the entire past year of my life, Austin was there for me during one of the most difficult parts, the finding out. I wish I could say that, like so many people I know, I was praying for a "positive" or "pregnant" reading, but I wasn't. That may have been the three longest minutes of my life and I spent it praying like I've never prayed before that it would have a big fat "NOT pregnant" reading. When I finally got the courage to look at it, it said "pregnant" but there definitely wasn't a NOT in front of it. At this point I did the only thing I could do, I sat on the bathroom floor and cried, well it was really more like balling than crying. Austin, the sweet guy that he is, just let me cry and hugged me and told me it was going to be ok. He was right...it would be ok, but it would be one long and bumpy ride. The rest of that night and many days and nights after that were spent in limbo between reality and "normal life". "Normal life" refers to my life before the day I took the test. Reality refers to, well, you know what reality is. The hardest times seemed to be while trying to fall asleep and then when waking up in the morning. Falling asleep was impossible because my mind was panicking at a million miles an hour. And waking up was miserable because there was that split second or two where I was in my "normal life" again. Reality never let me live in my "normal life" very long though. Those first few weeks were really a blur. In addition to all my anxieties and worries over what to do, I was feeling the wonderful morning sickness symptoms and extreme exhaustion. In these first few weeks I found comfort in Austin and my two best friends Marie and Jacquie and the possibility of a miscarriage. Yes, I wanted a miscarriage. I would be lying if I said I didn't....

Stuttgart

Schlossplatz - Stuttgart, Germany

You're probably wondering why I titled this post Stuttgart. How does that have anything to do with Grace and my story?! It has EVERYTHING to do with it. This part of my story may be my single most favorite story to tell. I get goosebumps every single time I share it, I have goosebumps now! It happened in mid-April. (Grace was about 2 weeks old) I was over at Liz and Eric's for our traditional Sunday night dinner. (We started this Sunday night tradition before Grace was born and when we couldn't bear the thought of not seeing each other after she was born, we decided to keep the tradition going). I had recently received the invite to go to Stuttgart, Germany and was filling Eric and Liz in on the exciting details and asking them if I should go or not. Liz used to travel for work, A LOT. So she is telling me that I HAVE to go. She said she was in Stuttgart last July and absolutely loved it, she said it was her favorite place out of all the places she has visited. Then she told me that she was sitting at a cafe in the Schlossplatz one morning enjoying some coffee and in the distance she could hear church bells ringing. She said at that moment she just broke down crying to God, asking him if they were ever going to have a baby, why didn't He want them to have a baby, why wouldn't anybody pick them....and so on... She told me she didn't know why she had a moment right at that time in the middle of the Schlossplatz in Stuttgart, Germany, but she just felt something and sought God over it. I looked at her and I said, "Liz, when were you in Germany?" She said, "Mid-July." At this point my heart is skipping a couple beats and I said, "what days?" She said, "the morning I had that moment was July 11." My heart about beat out of my chest and my jaw dropped to the floor. I looked at her and said, "Liz, that's the day! That's when Grace's little life began." We just looked at each other and started crying. I'm crying right now as I type it. Everything for a reason....

It was no coincidence that Liz was 6,000 miles away having a moment at the same time Grace's life was beginning. The time difference, being 9 hours, makes it within hours, if not minutes of the exact same time. Moments like this fill my heart with joy. Nothing about this situation was an accident, NOTHING. God works in beautiful ways. He fits every piece together perfectly, even when we are completely unaware of it.

Grace Lindsay

18 weeks gestation

10 days

8 Weeks

I couldn't resist chronicling a couple photos. Thank you for all the support and love I have received thus far. I look forward to continuing to share my journey with you.